Nobody Dies? How about everyone dies
by PuppySlayer
Summary: Your neighbour dies. Your dog dies. The pizza guy that didn't bring change? He dies too. Those developers who make shitty Sonic games? They die. Twice.


"You know how shit's not happening around here? Shit should be happening more often. "

Touji paid no heed to his nerd friend. His choice of drink is of higher priority.

"I don't know man , what do you call periodic angel attack, mass destruction and wanton loss of lives? Bad weather?"

"I'm thinking more along the line of a black and gay Chinese guy becoming the prime minister of Japan but hey I will settle for vampire chick outbreaks too. "

Touji cracked open his can of juice and suck it down.

The afternoon sun was bright and orangey like his citrus flavored drink.

"Well , my little sis is in the hospital due to all this crazy shit. So I'm fine with nuthing happening."

Touji slumped a little as he finished his line. The incident with Shinji still weight heavy on his soul.

"It would be more convincing if you deliver that line dressed like a salaryman with male pattern baldness. A man drained of life. Spirit sucked out of his marrow until he's all empty inside. That's the kind of man you sound like, right now." Kensuke was feeling rather high on nerd rage today.

"Fuck you am I suppose to apologize or something? Shinji seen some serious crap. Why don't you bug him?

The class did not miss the silent guardian of Tokyo 3. Occasionally the 3 watchful protectors would go missing. No one knew what sort non school related activities they engaged but it sure must be cool. Such is the duty of the bio-mecha knights.

"I don't always say this kinda stuff becauce it's gay but I think shinji kinda sweet."

Kensuke faked a cough… in an awesome kind of way. "Like a hero that we don't deserve. "

"It's weird but I can relate to that. He didn't rat on me for beating his ass when he first got here. Misato actually called me and asked me to keep an eye out on that bastard staircase which laid 20 flights of asskicking on her dear Shinji."

Kensuke imagined Misato making that call in her lingerie, phone cradled between ear and shoulder while she load her weapon.

"She did that? That's hot."

"You don't fuck with the Shin-man. "

"Since we are doing this man to man talk, I'm going to share this secret with you too. "

Kensuke fished out a picture of Ayanami in a plugsuit. It was a side profile shot of Rei leaning sensually against railings looking into the dark beyond. Her slim waist and nice ass curved seductively.

"This is a shot from security camera in nerv hq."

"Man , this is some shit that I shouldn't know about." Then Touji leaned in closer. Rei is hot.

"Words of advice? You don't show this to Shinji. Swear to me." Nerd boy can be quite an idiot despite all his fancy words and military lingo.

"Hey you don't think I noticed the well scheduled glance Shinji threw at her in the classes."

"Just warning ya. Thought all of em pilots would get their own uniform?" Touji seen the devil bitch in her own matching suit. It would seem logical for Ayanami to have her own pair too. Black would be awesome.

Touji looked at his nerd friend who was smirking and giving him a perverted look.

"Oh shit don't tell me she's wearing…."

"Nice to know you still can think with a hardon."

"Fuck off."

"It's Shinji suit alright. I just photoshopped Rei's face over."

Touji thew up his drink and the lunch he had earlier.

"Oh god that's sick. You're one sick motherfucker. Why the he'll are you showing me this stuff?

"Thought we are on Shinji worship mode?" Kensuke replied with pure innocence.

"I don't know you anymore Ken." Touji scooted back to class knowing that he won't feel secure of his manhood anymore.

10 min later he received a message on his laptop

_Still having a hardon?_

Arrrghhh!

* * *

"Dr Akagi there are some anomaly in the Rei tanks. The nutrients are being absorbed in gradual acceleration. 20 percent above norm right now and will be hitting 30% in approximately 1 hour time. "

Ritsuko exhaled smoke and barely averted her eyes from the social network sites she's on.

"Just set me a reminder I will check on it later. "

Maya knew from experience that was not going to be done soon. She eyed the disgusting bag of decaf coffee and knew an instant remedy is at hand. Or at least a worthwhile experiment. What can possibly go wrong? No one dies around here.

The sweet assistant did some finger motion thingy on her non fruit branded tablet computer and the lid of the Rei's tank swished open. The large sack of decaf was emptied into the tank, content and packaging together. She did the motion command to close the lid, looked at her superior and sighed. Her tired brain could use some caffeine, and with that she marched toward the cafeteria. No one noticed the weak glow of a cheap led light glowing from Reis' eyes.

* * *

Shinji banged his head lightly. Ok, it's more like a bobbing pattern. He was worried that people might enquire on the flavor of music he listened to if he looked too engrossed for some typical classic piece. He learned quite a bit of hard hitting English phrases like "crawling in my skin" and "everybody has a face that they hold inside". He hummed along to the rap part, unaware that someone could have sneaked behind him in a box and slit his throat. Then again, this is the changing room for Nerv precious pilots and up until now, the fatality rate of accidentally dying within Nerv facilities is zero.

Planned death is not included, obviously.

"Ikari-kun, I'm ready."

If this were the outdoors, Rei Ayanami would be described as a beautiful princess in a , strapless lacy whitedress and her pale skin reflected the sunlight with a supernatural touch, and her hair smelled like fresh cream. But we will just have Shinji imagined all that, since this all took place in a moderately lighted changing room.

"Ayanami…" the young man spelled the syllable in slow motion. It's a prerequisite scene where a beauty was introduced for the first time.

"We should move, Ikari-kun. Sohryu is looking for you, promising to deliver sweet strawberry filled death to you."

"How?" Shinji asked, instead of why.

"I have no answer for that, Ikari." Rei replied, randomly dropping suffix for no apparent reason. Perhaps that few exchanges had increased their bond by years. Still, she was disappointed that Shinji has yet to pay proper attention to her cleavage afforded by a really tight corset.

"Allegedly, you skipped your duty of preparing a fine bento for her refreshment."

"I left her a message." Shinji shook his head.

"I have no intention of damaging this dress in a bloodbath. We should go, Ikari."

Shinji had no response for this undirected threat so he went along. He was just going on a date with Ayanami. It's not like people die while going on a fun filled date, right?

* * *

Meanwhile in Nerv cafeteria…

"Asuka? It's a surprise to see you here."

"mmphf" She washed the burger down with coke.

"Same here."

"Shinji didn't cook for you?"

"Nope, he left me a message saying he will be back late. Probably hanging out with his nerdy friends or playing house with Ayanami."

Ayanami, not bitchass goth doll loli slut whore. Maya noted.

"You're surprisingly calm," Maya replied with her casual psychology evaluation.

"This is Asuka 2.0, lady. The days of a rampaging red typhoon is over. I'm now a precise folded blade. Forged with beauty and kickass." Asuka ran this speech in her head a few times over, altering the pronunciation and the delivery to maximum effect.

Maya slowly backed away from the mumbling girl.

* * *

"Come on you can't be angry at me? We're bro's. Bro's don't get pissed at each other longer than 1 standard anime episode. Here take this picture of Asuka removing her bra. It's on the house.

"Fuck off."

"I promise you its 100 percent female. No dicks attached." Kensuke stated with certainty. He fapped to it himself.

Touji snapped up the picture and continued walking.

"Wanna go hang at the arcade? It's not like we got lot of character development lined up."

"The hell you talking about?"

"Just saying we should spend our youth pursuing frivolous activities. I don't know about you but I'm not the kind of guy to attract multitude females and end up losing his head in psychopathic episode of jealousy. So yes I'm going to waste my life playing games."

Kensuke paused for a moment.

"Like a proper nerd." Kensuke wrapped up his rant.

"Man, you're crazier than usual."

Touji hate smokes. That sour acrid smell that sticks to everything in the arcade from the sticks to the stool. It's like someone washed their hand in feces and used the wall as toilet roll.

"Omfg that's capcom vs namco vs konami vs marvel vs the review says it's so awesome it will blow your fucking balls away."

Kensuke read the tagline on the poster above the machine.

[Are you ready for some balls to the wall action ?]

Touji face palmed.

Solid snake focus punched batman in the jewel. Then performed a cqc throw before batty crumple to the floor.

Touji swapped out his dying batman for catwoman. Kensuke followed suit and summoned KosMos with a lvl3 super.

"Man this ain't fair. DC character sucks balls."

The mecha from Zone of Enders tore Joker a new asshole. Kensuke continued fighting the AI while Touji just gave up getting his ass owned.

"Hey it looks a bit quiet in here. It looks like we're the only guys in here."

"And that cashier guy shuffling over there." Touji corrected himself.

That certain keyword made the nerd curious. "Did you say shuffling? He seems to have a ear missing too?"

Touji shivered a bit. "Did you hear brainnnssss? Is it from that machine over there?"

"Nobody left 4 dead. Hate the shitty game." Kensuke spitted.

Cashier guy moved approached the duo in a fashion perpetrated by popular pop culture undead. His left arm dangled loosely on the shoulder while the right was locked at waist level as if he's leaning on an invisible crutch.

Touji and Kensuke observed it's slow crawl , their response to fight or flee never crossed their mind.

"Should we panic?" Touji asked, uncharacteristically logical.

"And miss our chance to fuck someone…something up?" Kensuke picked up a stool and slide it toward the cashier guy which at this point was not confirmed if he was a zombie.

Face met the concrete floor with a satisfying crack. Its lower jaw was split open by the impact. Touji looked at zombie. Then at Kensuke.

"Sweet!" They both exclaimed.

Fuck yeah.

The zombie still push on, the remaining teeth from its upper jaw scrapped the floor as it propelled itself using it's legs like some sort of undead worm.

"Gimme a hand here bro." Kensuke cursed his wimpy arms as he pushed the arcade machine with all his might.

With a shove from Touji the cabinet fell on the zombie. A ridiculous amount of blood and gore gushes out from beneath.

"Eat fatality, bitch!"

"This is what I've been talking about. This is the shit I want to be happening. Zombie apocalypse. Alien invasion. Dicks getting sucked. Pussy getting slammed. Bugs bunny getting shit on." Kensuke frothed as nerd rage consumed him.

"Might want to keep the nerdgasm in check. There's nice crowd of zombies out there. "The jock himself was getting pumped with adrenaline.

Beyond the glass door to the arcade were like a dozen of undead made up of housewives, some students and a policeman…and a senior pedophile.

Well the dead is about to get….deader. Yearrrghhh.

* * *

Inspired by Adam Kadmon to write stuff….Asuka two point oh…that's so awesome. Of course new Asuka is hotter, she's in HD and she got a sluttier suit. And her mecha has horns, goddammit. How do you beat that, old Asuka? Anyway go read his shit, it kicks ass. Also, all the dudes writing NGE Nobody dies. Seriously "Nobody dies?" The title is almost as retardedly crazy as Shinji and Wh40k. I should check that out sometime.

And if you somehow read this without checking out WDCain, go read his shit too, especially if you're a fan of the Angry Nerd.

Happy new year 2011….may good shit happen more often!


End file.
